I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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