Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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