I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
