you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
FUCK WHALES
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
