you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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