why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
