omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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