Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
