My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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