Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
