I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
