I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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