I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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