How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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