I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
