Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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