Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
