at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
