After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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