see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
