Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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