I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
