maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
