These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
