goodnight i made you a song goodbye
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
