Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
