i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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