When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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