seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
