No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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