apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
