but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
