Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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