i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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