Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well most of my day revolves around power hour
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Randomize
