she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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