I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
