I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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