I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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