Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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