I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
