I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
