Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
