I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
