are you still at the devil's house?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
