I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
