Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
