Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
