first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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