Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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