After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
